The End of the Tunnel
by che-guevara
Summary: I don't know how to describe it... I guess Spike's last thoughts before heading out to face Vicious. It provides a view into his psyche.


Until this day, I've fought for money, I've fought for my life, I've fought for my friends, I've fought for others... But this time, I'll be fighting for her.  
I don't care what anyone thinks or says later, this time, I'll be fighting for her. For her memory, for her last words, for the touch of her hand, the warmth of her skin, her pale lips, her shiny hair, her deep, blue eyes... They'll be watching over me as I fight. And if I die, at least I'll see those eyes for a last time before I hit the dust.  
When I was in the Bebop, I didn't have her. But at least I could always, always look forward to finding her, to squeezing her tight again, to feel her rosy cheek against mine, to feel her hair roll down my shoulder, to feel her small breasts through her thin flannel shirt, to rest my head on hers and stay like that for hours and hours... I could look forward to talking to her again, to her sweet words... Even profanities came out as sacred chants from that mouth... I could look forward to adoring her again, to having her, my angel, bless me with her soft whispers... To sleep with her again, once more, and be all hers, and have her be all mine... To kiss her again, and feel her tongue wrestle mine...  
But now it's all over. I can't look forward to all that anymoe. What do I live for then? What kind of life will I lead with an old geezer and a conniving slut? Am I supposed to 'accept my fate' and just stay here, crucify myself in order not to be crucified by others? Fuck that. I can't do that. Every time I sleep, every time I sit, every time I think, every time I do anything, her face pops right into my mind, and stays there...  
And I need revenge. She doesn't... This as nothing to do with her, but I need it. I'm the one who needs to know he did everything he could for her until the last minute. I'm sure, wherever she is, she could care less about Vicious and the Red Dragons. But I need revenge. I need to see him twitch on the ground, and laugh at him. I need to see him spit blood, and kick him in the face. Every time I think of him, I have this strange feeling that I'm doing something wrong by letting him live. He doesn't deserve to live. Julia's dead, no one deserves to live. No one deserves to have what she doesn't have. I don't deserve to have what she doesn't have. No one will be better off than her, not under my watch. No... And he... he definitely doesn't deserve to live. I need to see him die, and only die can I die happy, only then can I close my eyes, and wake up from this never-ending dream... Or should I say nightmare? It's a nightmare, it's not a dream, and it's the worst nightmare one could have, where people's lives don't cost more than bullets, when a goddess dies because a demon wants her to, when a piece of lead takes people away, and convinces me that in this life, the most I can have is memories of a faraway time, when everything seemed all fine and pink. When I think of those days, I can never remember a single day when it rained... It's as if it never rained, back then... As if it was always spring, the birds were always chirping, and she was always right there, by my side, convincing me, at least for a few moments, that life wasn't really that bad, that nothing mattered except that single moment, that there was truly a God, who wanted me to be happy.  
But now... If there is a God, he's having fun with me. He's laughing down at me, sitting comfortable on those clouds, enjoying my pain and my bitterness. I wonder if there is a haven and a hell. I know where I'LL be going... But you know, if there really is a heaven, I'd really, really, really like to go there, 'cause I know she'll be there, waiting for me with those small, blue eyes. Eyes that could drown the strongest man in their waters, eyes that could bring the devil himself to his knees... Eyes that are worth more for me than the whole universe.  
There's only one wait out of here. There's only one door I can open. And when I open it, I don't know exactly what's gonna be expecting me. I have a rough idea, though, because I don't see any light in the end of the tunnel... As if I ever did... There is never light at the end of the tunnel. The light is fake. Eventually, there's only darkness. The sun will always rise after the storm, but there will always be another storm waiting... A deadlier one, a stronger one, a more devastating one...  
This is it... This is the end of the tunnel. This is where I step up to the challenge. And whatever happens, happens... I won't complain... Although, I'd like it if I don't die... I'd like to stay alive... Still, no matter what happens, I won't complain. 


End file.
